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Barbecue Primer: Just Smoke It.
By RibMan*

*reprinted with permission of Rich Davis & John Sprengelmeyer

What is barbecue? Why is life? Where is that smell coming from?
These are questions that haunt us all. How we side-step these issues defines us as a people.

My adoptive Earth-parents are terrific cooks. Yet, they never read a single recipe book! I think it was because they were too busy cooking. They claim it is because they are illiterate. Whatever. I believe that you learn more by cooking than by reading. Like Pa always said, "Your Ma and I learn best by the mistakes we make. And you are no exception."

I think he means that cooking, like life itself, is unfair and filled with regrets. You'll never become a great cook by ordering carry-out. You have to disappoint many invited guests before you begin to grow as a cook and as an accomplished excuse-maker.

I will provide a few basic "How To" tips about barbecue. But be forewarned, not until you singe most the hair off your exposed limbs and face will you earn the title "Backyard Chef".

Here we go:
1. Buy a meat thermometer. Be mentally and physically prepared to use it.
2. Barbecue is the slow smoking of meats. It means to cook near a fire of low heat. A smoldering wood fire providing a temperature of roughly between 180-275 degrees Fahrenheit is best.
3. Meats vary. Here's proof:
A prime rib of beef is rare when reaching an internal temperature of 125o F. Its well-done at 180o F.
A whole turkey is "done" when the center of the breast reaches an internal temperature of 170o F.
A beef brisket is perfect, in my opinion, at 170o F.
A pork roast is tender and moist when the center is 175oF.
At 105o F., your kid should be in a hospital.
4. Grilling is the cooking of meat over a hot fire. 275oF. and hotter.
5. Trim as much or as little fat as you like. Fat does have flavor. But it can also act as a barrier between the smoke or the marinade and the meat. I prefer to trim as much fat as possible. Besides, it can make a luscious dessert topping.
6. "Smoke Rings" are proof that you did something right when smoking meat. If you cut into a piece of meat that has been slow-smoked, you should see a reddish-pink line just below the surface of the meat. This "smoke ring" may be as much as 1/2 inch deep below the outside surface of the meat.
7. When cooking outdoors, the weather will impact the length of time meat takes to cook. Duh. If its cold, add some cooking time. If its hot, wear sunscreen.
8. Dry and liquid marinades provide great flavor to meats before they are cooked. Sauces are best when applied after the meat is cooked.
9. Cook outdoors. Go to the bathroom indoors.
10. Irradiated meat is safe. Irritated meat is not.

If you are still awake, proceed to the recipes:

Spotted Owl Marinade

SUV Road Kill Marinade

Too Good For The  Children Marinade

Simple, Yet Ugly, Black  Bean Dip

Return of the Green Slime!

Artie's Choked Chicken Dip

Don't Ask, Don't Smell  Crab Dip

Shrimp's Revenge . . . A Dish Best Served  Cold

RocketBoy Beans

Meatless Cole Slaw

A Kick In The Asparagus

Polly's Tomatoes

Better Red Than Dead  Potatoes

That's No Lady, That's My  Soup!

Cream of Something Soup

Fruity Rump Roast

What Goes Down, Must  Come Up Chile

Authentic  Cafeteria-Style Meat Loaf

Hamburger That Needs No  Helper

Hammered Fowl

King's Throne Fudge

Endangered Chocolate Mousse

Exxon Valdez Poultry  Marinade

Mary Used to Have a Little  Lamb

Hand-Picked Butt Steak  Marinade

Proctologist  Disapproved Extra Spicy Dry Rub

Father Knows Breasts

The  Chicken That Did Not Make It Across The Road

Ike and Tina Tuna

Cheesy Ham Artery Clogger

The Chili That Made  Sitting Bull Sit

Gee, Your Meat Smells  Terrific!

Piglet's Riblets

Spotted Owl Marinade

Use with pork, chicken or seafood.

1/3 Cup Gulden Spicy Brown Mustard
1 Tablespoon Imitation, No Sugar Added, Maple Syrup (S&W)
3/4 Tablespoon Lawreys Salt-Free 17 Seasonings
1 Tablespoon Apple Cider Vinegar
1/2 Teaspoon Ground Black Pepper
1/2 Teaspoon salt

Marinade thawed meat for one hour. Best when grilled or broiled.

SUV Road Kill Marinade


Chicken, Pork, Seafood

1/2 Cup Fat Free Hidden Valley Roasted Garlic Italian Dressing. (This has sugar in the ingredients.)
2 Tablespoons Trappey's Red Devil Cayenne Pepper Sauce
1 Tablespoon lemon juice
1/2 Teaspoon salt

Marinade thawed meat one hour. Best when grilled or broiled.

Too Good For The Children Marinade


Pork, Chicken, Seafood, Beef

1/4 Cup Trappey's Red Devil Cayenne Pepper Sauce
1 Teaspoon Black Pepper
2 Cloves fresh, minced garlic
1/2 Teaspoon Salt

Marinade thawed meat one hour. Best when grilled or broiled.

Simple, Yet Ugly, Black Bean Dip


16 ounce can Black Beans, Drained
1 tablespoon Cayenne Red Pepper Sauce
1 teaspoon Garlic Salt
1/4 cup Margarine
8 ounces Monterey Jack Cheese w/ jalapeño

Mash beans until smooth. Melt margarine in a large skillet. Add the mashed beans and fry beans until they begin to thicken. Stir repeatedly. Slice and add the cheese. Add the remaining ingredients and stir. The mixture is ready when the cheese is completely melted.


Return of the Green Slime!


6 Ripe Avocados, Mashed
1 Medium Yellow Onion, Chopped
1 Lemon
2 tablespoons fresh Cilantro
1 Can 10 ounce Diced Tomatoes and Chilies, Drained
1 tablespoon Cayenne Red Pepper Sauce
1 tablespoon Worcestershire Sauce
1 teaspoon Garlic Salt

Mix all the ingredients, except the chips, and refrigerate until thoroughly chilled.


Artie's Choked Chicken Dip


1/4 cup Butter
1 cup Chopped Artichoke Hearts
1 Medium Onion, Chopped
3 tablespoons Flour
3 tablespoons Sherry
1 teaspoon White Pepper
1 can Condensed Cream of Celery Soup
12 ounce Garlic Cheese Roll, Cut Up
1 cup Chopped, Cooked Chicken

In a small skillet, melt butter and sauté` artichokes, onion and pre-cooked chicken. Slowly stir in flour. Place into lightly greased Crock Pot or large pot. Stir in the remaining ingredients. Cover and cook on the "High" setting. Stir occasionally until the cheese is completely melted. Turn to the "Low" setting and cover until ready to serve. Serve hot with chips.


Don't Ask, Don't Smell Crab Dip


3 eight ounce packages Cream Cheese
1/3 cup 2% Milk
2 six ounce cans Lump Crab Meat, Drained
2 tablespoons White Wine
1/2 cup Chopped Green Onions
1 tablespoon Worcestershire Sauce
1 teaspoon Old Bay Spice

Note: To make Clam Kiddlehopper Dip, substitute clams for crab meat. Combine all ingredients in lightly greased Crock Pot. Cover and cook on "High" setting until cheese begins to melt. Stir to ensure smooth consistency. Cover and cook until cheese has completely melted. Milk can be added if too thick. This can also be done with a conventional pot. Stir frequently to insure a smooth consistency.


Shrimp's Revenge . . . A Dish Best Served Cold


2 lb. Medium-Size Shrimp, in shell
2 tablespoons Fresh Ground Horseradish
26 ounces Barbecue Sauce
1 Lemon

Boil shrimp in 18 ounces barbecue sauce and 1 1/2 quarts water. Add shrimp when water is at full boil. Cook the shrimp for ten minutes after the water begins to boil again. Drain water. Refrigerate shrimp. When cool, peel and de-vein shrimp. Mix 1 cup barbecue sauce, 1/4 cup horseradish and the juice of 1/2 lemon. Arrange shrimp in bowl and serve with cocktail sauce.


RocketBoy Beans


2 Cans Pork and Beans (30 oz.), Drain
1/2 cup Brown Sugar
1/2 cup Red Onions, Chopped
3 slices Bacon, Cooked, Chopped
1/4 cup Barbecue Sauce
1/2 cup Diced Apples
2 tablespoons Grape Soda

In a large pot, fry the bacon until done. Cut the bacon in the pan. Add the onions and sauté until clear. Add the remainder of the ingredients and bring to a boil. Reduce heat and simmer for 30 minutes.


Meatless Cole Slaw


1/3 cup Creamy Italian Dressing
2/3 cup Salad Dressing, Hellman's
4 Green Onions, Chopped
1 teaspoon Sugar
1 teaspoon Seasoning Salt
1/2 teaspoon White Pepper
6 cups Shredded Cabbage

Mix the ingredients. Pour over cabbage in the amount desired.


A Kick In The Asparagus


1 Bunch Fresh, Thin Asparagus
2/3 cup Italian Dressing
1/3 cup Cayenne Red Pepper Sauce
1 tablespoon Worcestershire

Marinate Asparagus for 3 hours in the ingredients listed above. Grill over hot coals for 3-5 minutes.


Polly's Tomatoes


6 Plump, Red, Home-Grown Tomatoes
One Red Onion, Sliced Thin
1/4 lb. Provolone Cheese, Shredded
Anchovies (Optional)
Italian Dressing
Black Pepper

Slice tomatoes and layer desired amount of red onions. Top with cheese, black pepper, anchovies and Italian Salad Dressing.


Better Red Than Dead Potatoes


2 1/2 lb. Baby Red Potatoes
1 Bunch Green Onions
1/4 cup Melted Butter
1/2 cup Cayenne Red Pepper Sauce

Wash, then cube the potatoes. Let the potatoes soak in cold water for 15 minutes. Wash and chop the green onions, discarding the unusable green tops (top one inch) and white bottoms (just above the root). Drain the potatoes. Place the potatoes in a microwave-safe 2 quart casserole dish. Add the chopped green onions, cayenne pepper sauce and the melted butter. Cover the dish and microwave on "High" 12 minutes. Stir the potatoes and cover. Microwave on "High" for another 12 minutes. Stir and serve.


That's No Lady, That's My Soup!


1 lb. Sirloin Steak, Chopped
3 tablespoons Butter
3/4 cup Red Onions, Chopped
3/4 cup Mushrooms, Chopped
1 1/2 cup Canned, Diced Tomatoes
6 tablespoons flour
6 cups Beef Bouillon
2 teaspoons Seasoning Salt
3/4 tablespoon Black Pepper
1/4 cup Red Wine

In a large soup pot, brown sirloin chunks in butter. Add vegetables and sauté. Slowly add the flour. Let the mixture of steak, butter and vegetables absorb the flour. Add the remaining ingredients. Bring to a boil. Reduce heat to low and simmer for 45-90 minutes.


Cream of Something Soup


1/4 cup Butter
3/4 tablespoon Seasoning Salt
7 cups 2% Milk
1/4 cup Diced Yellow Onion
1/3 cup White Wine
1/2 cup Chopped Mushrooms
1/2 cup Chopped Celery
1/4 cup Flour
1 teaspoon White Pepper
1 tablespoon Instant Chicken Bouillon
1 cup Grated Cheddar Cheese

In a large soup pot, melt the butter. Slowly add the flour to make a roux. Slowly add the milk. Simmer until thickened. Combine the onions, mushrooms, celery, chicken base and white wine. Simmer until tender. Add the vegetables and broth to the milk base. Add the cheddar cheese.


Fruity Rump Roast


Rump Roast, Netted
1/4 cup Orange Juice
1/4 cup Pineapple Juice
1 tablespoon Black Pepper
2 tablespoons Dark Rum
1 tablespoon Ginger
2 tablespoons Soy Sauce

Marinate the Beef Rump Roast for 6-8 hours. Can be cooked in an oven or smoker. Cook in an oven at 325 degrees until the center of the roast reads 140 degrees. This will depend on the size of the roast. Use a meat thermometer and check after 75 minutes. Same applies in a smoker, except you might want to cook the roast at a lower temperatureŠsay 225 degrees. Again, cook until the internal temperature of the roast reaches 140 degrees.


What Goes Down, Must Come Up Chile


1 lb. Pork Sausage
1 lb. Pork Shoulder, Diced
1 Red Onion, Chopped
1 16-ounce can Diced Tomatoes
2 15-ounce cans Chili Beans
1/2 cup Red Wine Vinegar
2 tablespoons Chili Powder
2 Anaheim Peppers, Chopped
1 tablespoon Cumin Seed
2 Cloves Garlic, Crushed
1 tablespoon Seasoning Salt
1 1/2 cups Water

Cook meat in large soup pot and a few tablespoons of the water until the pork is no longer pink. Add the onions, peppers and tomatoes. Sauté. Add the remainder of the ingredients and cook on low heat for 2-3 hours.


Authentic Cafeteria-Style Meat Loaf


1 1/2 lb. Ground Chuck
1/2 lb. Sausage
1/2 teaspoon Black Pepper
1/2 cup Beef Broth
1 Egg, Beaten
1 package Dry Onion Soup Mix
2 tablespoons Barbecue Sauce
1 cup Crumbled Saltines

Except for the beef broth, mix all the ingredients in a large mixing bowl. Use only 3/4 cup Crackers. Mold into a loaf and place in a shallow baking pan. Spread remaining crackers on the loaf. Pour the beef broth on the bottom of the pan. Place in a 350 degree pre-heated oven. Bake for 90 minutes. Baste occasionally.


Hamburger That Needs No Helper


2 lb. Fresh Hamburger
1 teaspoon Black Pepper
1 teaspoon Seasoning Salt
2 tablespoons Red Wine Vinegar

Mix all ingredients together. Form into patties and grill.


Hammered Fowl


4 Medium-Sized Chicken Breasts
3/4 cup Sweetened Lemonade
Juice of 2 Limes
1/4 cup Tequila
1 tablespoon Grand Marnier
1 tablespoon Cilantro, Chopped
1 teaspoon Salt

Grill the chickens on both sides until half-cooked. Place the half-cooked chickens in a skillet with the other ingredients. Cook until the chicken ] is done. Remove the chickens. Boil down the mixture until it thickens and pour over the chicken breasts.


King's Throne Fudge


3 cups White Sugar
3 squares Baker's Chocolate (Unsweetened)
1 cup Whole Milk
1 tablespoon Butter
1 tablespoon Bailey's Liqueur

Combine the chocolate, milk, Bailey's and sugar. Cook over a medium heat until the mixture begins to boil. Continue to stir frequently and cook until the mixture thickens. Remove from heat and stir in the butter. Pour into an ungreased bowl and let cool. Drop spoonfuls of the fudge on wax paper. Chill.


Endangered Chocolate Mousse


2 Sticks Unsalted Butter, Softened
1 cup Sugar
1 cup Milk Chocolate Chips
2 teaspoons Vanilla Extract
1/4 cup Bailey's Liqueur
4 Egg Whites
Pre-Baked Chocolate Pie Crust
Whipped Cream

In a large mixing bowl, blend the butter and sugar with an electric blender. Melt the chocolate chips in a Pyrex cup in a microwave at medium-low for 20 seconds. Stir and repeat until the chocolate is melted. Add the melted chocolate, Bailey's and vanilla to the blended mixture of butter and sugar. Mix. Slowly add the egg-whites while beating the mixture on a medium setting. Whip for at least 5 minutes. Pour the mousse into a pre-baked chocolate pie shell. Chill. Garnish with whipped cream. You may use a pasteurized egg substitute instead of the egg-whites, if desired.


Exxon Valdez Poultry Marinade


1/4 cup Meyer's Dark Rum
1/4 cup Toasted Sesame Oil
1/4 cup Red Wine Vinegar
2 Cloves Finely Minced Garlic
1 teaspoon Salt

Combine all ingredients. Marinate thawed chicken or turkey breasts one hour. Do not over-marinate meat. The mixture is as strong as the Captain's breath. Best when grilled.


Mary Used to Have a Little Lamb


1/4 cup Toasted Sesame Oil
1/2 cup Soy Sauce
2 Garlic Cloves, Minced
1 teaspoon Ginger

This marinade is great with lamb chops, leg of lamb, lamb ribs, etc. Marinade meat for one hour. Best when grilled or smoked.


Hand-Picked Butt Steak Marinade


1/2 cup Italian Dressing
1/4 cup Worcestershire Sauce
1 teaspoon Ground Black Pepper

Marinate carefully chosen Butt Steaks for 1-2 hours. This cut of meat is also called top sirloin. Of course, this meat tastes best when grilled.


Proctologist Disapproved Extra Spicy Dry Rub


1/4 cup Ground Black Pepper
3 tablespoons Sugar
2 tablespoons Garlic Salt
1 tablespoon White Pepper
1 tablespoon Dried Red Pepper Flakes

Combine all ingredients and rub on brisket, prime rib or any other beef roast. It is absolutely meant to be used on meats that are cooked in a smoker. The thicker the application of the rub, the hotter the meat after it has been smoked. This is a delicious and spicy seasoning.


Father Knows Breasts


1/4 cup Balsamic Vinegar
2 tablespoons Extra Virgin Olive Oil
2 Garlic Cloves, Minced
1 teaspoon Basil, Minced
1 teaspoon Lemon Juice
1/2 teaspoon Ginger

Combine all ingredients and marinate chicken or turkey breasts one hour. You guessed it, this marinade is best when the meats are grilled.


The Chicken That Did Not Make It Across The Road


Whole Roasting Chicken
1/4 cup Extra Virgin Olive Oil
1/4 cup White Wine
1/4 cup Apple Cider Vinegar
3 Cloves Garlic, Minced
1 teaspoon White Pepper
1 tablespoon Lemon Juice

Place the chicken and the marinade and the chicken in a bowl so the chicken can be turned and basted several times. The chicken should marinate in the refrigerator between three and six hours. Baked or smoked, the chicken will turn out great.


Ike and Tina Tuna


1 lb. Fresh Tuna
1/4 cup White Wine
1 tablespoon Lemon Juice
1 tablespoon Soy Sauce

Marinate Tuna for 30-45 minutes. Grill. Top with a salsa made of:

4 Plum Tomatoes, Seeded and Chopped
1/4 cup Red Onions, Chopped
2 tablespoons Fresh Chopped Cilantro
1 teaspoon Garlic Salt

This combination, unlike the marriage, is worth the trouble.


Cheesy Ham Artery Clogger


8 oz. Cream Cheese
1/2 cup Chopped Ham
1/2 cup Finely Chopped Smoked Almonds
1 cup Grated Colby Cheese
1/4 cup Real Bacon Bits
1/4 cup Chopped Pimentos
2 tablespoons Ranch Dressing

Combine the cheese, ham, dressing, bacon bits and pimentos. M*A*S*H and mix until smooth. Chill until firm. Shape into a ball, log or any other shape you wish and roll (the ball) in the almonds.


The Chili That Made Sitting Bull Sit


1 1/2 lb. Ground Beef
1 lb. Spicy Ground Pork Sausage
1 Medium Whole Yellow Onion, Chopped
2 tablespoons Chili Powder
1 tablespoon Ground Black Pepper
3 Cloves Garlic, Minced
1 16 oz. Can of Rotel Brand Tomatoes and Chilies
1 16 oz. Can of Chili Beans, Drained
4 oz. Jalapeno Cheese, Grated

Brown meat in skillet. Drain excess grease from pan. Mix all ingredients in a pot. Cover and cook over low heat for two hours. Top with grated jalapeno cheese when served.


Gee, Your Meat Smells Terrific!


1/3 cup White Wine
1/3 cup Teriyaki
1 teaspoon Ginger

Combine all ingredients for a mild and flavorful marinade for chicken, pork or seafood. Marinate meat 1-2 hours. Best when grilled.


Piglet's Riblets


3 slabs of Babyback Ribs, Remove membrane on back of ribs.
2/3 cup Yellow Mustard
1/3 cup Cola
1 tablespoon Black Pepper
1 tablespoon Garlic Salt

Combine the Mustard, Cola, Pepper and Garlic Salt. Apply liberally on both sides of thawed ribs.
Wrap ribs or cover them to be placed in refrigerator overnight. Smoke ribs between 200-275 degrees Fahrenheit for 3 to 3 1/2 hours or until tender. The ribs will be done when the meat begins to pull up from one end of the bones and when they pass the "pinch test". Position a slab so that you have your index finger on top of the slab and your thumb below. You are going to pinch the meat between the bones. If you can easily pinch your thumb and index finger together through the meat, they will be done.


(c)1998 RibManTM& Logo . Created by John Sprengelmeyer & Rich Davis. All Rights Reserved.

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